3. PEMDAS

“Never lose your joy,” my professor said, looking at me intently from the front of the classroom. It was the end of the second class I had taken related to applying for my college’s study abroad program, a program that focused on global development in the world’s poorest nations. I was so excited to be a part of the program and had been working through the needed requirements. And now, my professor, the head of this program, was encouraging me: in the midst of working with global suffering, never lose your joy.

I had wanted to serve God overseas since I was eleven years old. It was one of the clearest dreams I had carried into adulthood, and this program seemed like an important step toward the life I had imagined God might be calling me to.

“For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not perish forever.” Psalm 9:18

  ***

As I walked to the diving block, I reviewed my race plan in my mind. 66 laps. I got this. I stepped up onto the block. Beep! I dove into the water, anxiety fading as focus took over.

My muscles were screaming. 50 yards left. I took one last breath and finished hard into the wall.

It wasn’t enough.

Barely half a second off my goal of a national time cut for the mile swim. My heart sank. I had worked so hard… but at least I had gotten a best time! I hauled myself out of the water and walked across the deck to join my college coach and teammates.

                                         ***

Day by day, the full extent of what had happened hit me more. My diagnosis was serious enough that I had to take a semester off of school to heal. I would not be able to do the study abroad global development program, the program I had gone to my college in part for, and what I had been preparing to do. I would not be able to finish my swim season.

How could this happen? Where was God? I wondered if there was a God. Did He care? Maybe He did not exist. Because of the timing of this illness, not only would I be unable to do the study abroad program, I would not be able to serve God overseas in global development work following graduation: I would need to stay in the United States and do something else.

I wandered into my parents’ family room, clutching a Bible. I sat on the couch and stared aimlessly at the fireplace. God, I prayed, if You are real, please show me. I opened my Bible to the spot where a homemade bookmark marked Song of Songs, chapter 8. I looked down and read verses 6 and 7, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy as fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” I looked up right after finishing reading, and immediately a flame shot up in the fireplace. It was a “flash”—not a steady flame—visible for only a moment.

I sat there, amazed. With a glimmer of hope. Maybe God did love me… maybe He was with me. Maybe He hadn’t abandoned me. Maybe He was answering my prayer with this perfectly timed “flash of fire,” paired with a verse about His amazing love. Nothing can drown the love of God.

                                      ***

My years in college were not easy, but God was faithful. He never left me. He helped me to work through the pain and abandonment I felt after my medical diagnosis. God was faithful during those years. He always provided good friends and family in the midst of the pain. He drew me back to Himself even in the deep doubt and confusion. I learned that even when it seems God has hidden His face, He never has. It is even especially in our darkest moments that we can draw even closer to His heart and, in the end, see Him and His love more clearly. I can now say my faith is stronger than it was before this experience, even in spite of a serious illness.

And as I recovered, God began opening a door I had never imagined for myself: teaching. I had spent years picturing myself serving God overseas. I certainly had not pictured myself teaching high school math.

                                         ***

“You doin’ too much,” the student grumbled as I redirected her to continue her math assignment. I stifled back laughter as I turned away, used to the consistent refrain from my students that I “do too much” or “you irritatin’.” Gotta have a sense of humor…

“Ok, everyone listen up! Later this week I arranged for a famous rap star to come visit our class!”

Confused expressions stared at me from around the room.

“Huh?”

“Who is it?”

“Are they actually famous?”

“Is this actually just going to be the principal?”

“No,” I assured them, “this really is a famous artist. I’ll get you some free tickets! Now, back to our warm up…”

​

                                        ***

The day of the concert had finally arrived. Students were apprehensive and very skeptical.

“Who really is it?”

“You’ll see! They will call me when they arrive.” Shortly after, my phone “went off.” I picked it up.

“Hello? Oh! You’re here to perform for the students! Great, I will let you in. Okay, everyone, I will be right back! The famous music artist is here.”

I ran out and dashed to where my costume was hidden: a baseball cap and a jean jacket. I slipped the cap on backwards and threw on the jean jacket, dashing back into the classroom.

This is either going to go really amazing, I thought, or really badly. Gotta take risks…

“Hello! I am (my rap name)! What up what up.”

Some students laughed, others rolled their eyes as I passed out the music lyrics to my alter ego’s first hit single, “PEMDAS,” based on the song “Whip Nae Nae.”

“You probably have heard of me… I am a famous rapper, and I am so excited to perform my new hit single for you.”

I started playing the karaoke “Whip Nae Nae.”

“Watch me PEM—(pem), watch me PEMDAS. Watch me PEM—(pem), watch me PEMDAS. Watch me PEM—(pem), watch me PEMDAS. First you do parentheses, then exponents. Then you multiply, then you divide…”

I started to relax more as students laughed and started dancing in their seats.

“Who wants to come up to the front and try it?” I asked.

Two students quickly raised their hands.

“Come on up!”

They joined me:

“Watch me PEM—(pem), watch me PEMDAS. Watch me PEM—(pem), watch me PEMDAS.”

It was not the future I had imagined for myself when I was eleven. I was still disappointed that I had not been able to pursue serving God overseas. But slowly, I began to see that God's plan for my life was better than my own. He was still calling me to serve Him, just in my own country.

Maybe teaching math was not too bad after all.