3. One Thing: Health

“Never lose your joy,” my professor said, looking at me intently from the front of the classroom.  It was the end of the second class I had taken related to applying for the study abroad program I planned to do, one of the main reasons I had chosen my specific college. This study abroad program was for students interested in potentially working overseas. During a student’s junior year, they work and live in a foreign country for six months, generally a poorer country. I was so excited to be part of the program and had been working through the needed requirements. And now, my professor , the head of the study abroad program, was encouraging me: in the midst of working with global suffering, never lose your joy.

“For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not 

perish forever.” Psalm 9:18

                                                                   ***

“Free to swim”. The mantra of my college swim team. I waited anxiously with my fellow teammates for the mile event, thinking over what was to come. Free to swim? I think about Eric Liddell, the famous Christian Olympian runner who refused to run on Sunday and still won his event. He said that “when I race, I feel the Lord’s pleasure.” Father, may that be me today when I race, I prayed.

As I walked to the diving block, I reviewed my race plan in my mind. 66 laps. I got this. I stepped up onto the block. Beep! I dove into the water, anxiety fading as focus took over. 

***

My muscles were screaming. 50 yards left. I took one last breath and finished hard into the wall.

It wasn’t enough.

Barely half a second off my goal of a national time cut for the mile swim. My heart sank. I had worked so hard… but at least I had gotten a best time!

***

I was finally free – and thank God, right before my 21st birthday. I followed my Dad to the car and breathed a sigh of relief. “I never want to go back to the hospital again,” I informed my Dad.

“Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen,” he agreed. “Let’s go get some Chinese food!”

As we ate Chinese food in a nice Chinese restaurant, I slowly began to realize some of the gravity of the past two months of events. I looked at my Dad, tears in my eyes.

“Will I ever completely heal?” I ask.

He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Trust God. He is good. He will get you through this. You are so strong and brave. There is a lot of hope.” It’s hard to believe him, but I try.

***

Day by day, the full extent of what had happened hit me more. Not only had I been diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, but I had to take a semester off of school. I would not be able to do the study abroad program I had gone to my college in part for, and what I had been preparing in my course work to do. I would not be able to finish my junior year swim season. I also was not fully healed yet.

And where was God? I wondered if there was a God. Maybe He did not exist. Why would He allow this? I tried to read the Bible. I tried to pray. Whereas normally in my life those practices helped, I struggled to trust God with my difficult diagnosis. 

***

I wander into my parents’ family room, clutching a Bible. I sit on the couch and stare aimlessly at the fireplace. God, I pray, if You are real, please show me. I open my Bible to the spot where a homemade bookmark marked Song of Songs, chapter 8. I looked down and read verses 6 and 7, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy as fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” I looked up right after finishing reading, and immediately a flame shot up in the fireplace. It was a “flash” – not a steady flame – visible for only a moment. 

I sat there, amazed. With a glimmer of hope. Maybe God did love me… maybe He was with me. Maybe He hadn’t abandoned me. Maybe He was answering my prayer with this perfectly-timed “flash of fire”, paired with a verse about His amazing love. Nothing can drown the love of God.

*

My years in college were not easy, but God was faithful. He never left me. He helped me to work through the pain and abandonment I felt after my health issues. He always provided good friends and family in the midst of the pain. He drew me back to Himself even in the deep doubt and confusion. I learned that even when it seems God has hidden His face, He never has. Sometimes it is especially in our darkest moments that we can draw closer to His heart and, in the end, see Him and His love more clearly. I can now say my faith is stronger than it was before this experience, even though I have a chronic illness. 

I am not cured, but I am His. And I can trust Him, even with my health.

Elisabeth Elliot, a Christian missionary and author, wrote a book called Suffering is Never for Nothing. I found it very encouraging and insightful, especially given my health situation. She writes, “The deepest things that I have learned in my own life have come from the deepest suffering. And out of the deepest waters and the hottest fires have come the deepest things that I know about God.” I really resonate with this quote, and it matches with another Bible verse that I love, James 1:2-4, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Both Elisabeth and James have a similar theme: they see the good that can come through suffering and trials. This is a lesson I am continuing to learn, and it was very difficult for me in college to see illness as anything but suffering. Looking back, I now see how God has used my suffering to sanctify me and draw me closer to God. And, by His grace, I am grateful.

My health was another good thing that I needed to surrender to God and trust Him with. Psalm 73:26 says, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” I have experienced my flesh failing, and I have been tempted to despair at times because of it. But GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever! Amen.

I will also never forget how, during this time of suffering, my family rallied around me and supported me through it all. They showed me God’s love and care when I did not believe in it myself. They showed me in their love and support that even when my health fails, God’s love does not. My parents in particular were a constant support with their prayers and words. My Mom wrote me the most beautiful encouraging letter before returning to college my senior year, reminding me of God’s goodness, God’s care, and the hope we have in Christ no matter our circumstances. When I did not have the faith to believe God was love, my family showed me God was love.

Health is a precious gift: but even when it is taken away I can still have great hope because of God. I do not need to despair.

I can trust God as my “one thing” even in suffering: even when my flesh fails.

God, may You truly be my one thing. When my health is strong, help me receive it with gratitude. When my flesh fails, help me remember that You are still my portion.

I am not cured, but I am His.

God, may Your Kingdom come.

Amen.