6. One Thing: Marriage

I walked around the park, just crying, not sure what to say. My sister kept hugging me and speaking encouraging words. 

The pain of heartbreak was just so intense and real.

I thought everything had been going so well with him…! What could have happened? 

The tears continued to flow. It was hard to think because of the shock of the breakup last night. At least yesterday had also been the last day of teaching. Thank You, Father, for that grace. Going through a breakup on top of a difficult job would have been way harder… I think. 

At least my job would have been a distraction though. How will I make it through this next two month stretch of pain without much at all to distract me from my thoughts and heartache? I look at my younger sister, encouraged. Driving me to this nearby park, always willing to listen, and strong faith in God and His goodness. I was beyond blessed to call her both my sister and friend. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be at least a little better. It was hard not to think there was something wrong with me given the rejection. My Dad’s consistent refrain that God always has something better in mind if something goes wrong seemed very unlikely. 

Despite my heartache, it was difficult not to also be overflowing with thankfulness for the Lord’s grace in helping me with teaching this past year, particularly in one of the most challenging places to teach in the area. Thank You, Father, for the amazing friends made, the wonderful students I have gotten to know, help with teaching and relearning high school math, and Your presence every step of the way. 

***

I sit on my bed. It was Thanksgiving break, but I did not feel like joining my family. I just do not understand why You would bring him into my life, just to break my heart, I informed God.

There was a knock on the door as my Dad opened it. What was the purpose of the knock? I thought irritably. I look at him.

“You need to move on,” he said. Somehow he knew, as parents sometimes do, exactly what was going on in my head. “God has good plans for you. He loves you so much. Be thankful! You have so much to be thankful for! Love your family that is here. Enjoy it! Stop just thinking about yourself and join us. Trust God with your life. God has someone better for you in mind.”

I get up, slightly reluctantly, but knowing he was right. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I was just thinking about myself. I try to put it out of mind and join my extended family in the kitchen.

***

When I considered moving to serve the school and hostel, as explained in my previous post, comfort was not the hardest thing I thought following God might cost me if I moved there. Marriage was.

When I was praying about comfort visiting the school as I described in the previous post, Luke 14 stood out to me too in addition to the rich younger ruler. Because, I considered, there is the question of marriage.

I thought: Oh how I long to get married! How would that ever happen if I move here? God can do anything but in all likelihood, I would have to give that up. Luke 14:25-33 reads, “Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. 28 “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? 29 For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, 30 saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’

31 “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33 In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.”

Oh Father! Your Word is so difficult and so clear. I need to “hate” having a potential spouse. Give up my life for You! Renounce everything for you! Jesus is this really You? I did not want to admit to myself that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me clearly and with hard words. Harder words than I think I’ve heard before! I cry.

Oh Lord help me!  I know – I think – You are calling me, Lord, but I just need confirmation … and strength to make this choice.  

I am sad to give up, in my mind, most likely marriage if I moved to this remote location indefinitely. I had experienced loneliness living abroad before and I am anticipating that now – by myself living abroad.

With wonderful godly Christians, for sure, but with no one from my culture I think I will be lonely, Lord!  Lord, please give me the strength to say yes, and please, please, I begged the Lord, send someone to go with me.

I begged the Lord like I had never begged Him before. Please, Lord, it does not need to be a guy – though that would be amazing! But please send someone to go with me. And please may the person be athletic so I have someone to workout with and play sports with. 

When I said yes in the previous post, my full prayer was: Yes, God, but please send someone to go with me to serve here.

***

My sister looked beautiful in her wedding dress. I watched her dance. I was so happy for her. I sigh inwardly thinking that the standard for someone to marry, already high, if anything got higher, now that I had both a great Dad and an incredible brother-in-law. I felt so blessed to be her sister: a sister full of so much wisdom, who loved God and others, and who helped me be more logical when emotions threatened to take the reins.

***

I look across at my Mom, confused and frustrated after a nice lunch with an old guy friend. Why couldn’t she see my point of view? “No, Mom, it is a deal breaker.” 

My Mom looked upset. “Doing missions abroad should not be a deal breaker for you. That country is a just a place! You can serve the Lord wherever.” 

“Well, I’m not interested in him anyways…” I say defensively. I’m so confused. My Mom is such a woman of God… She did not seem to understand how I knew, how I was certain, that God had called me abroad as a missionary. Choosing a guy over that would be wrong! How could I choose marriage when there were millions of people in the world who had not yet heard the gospel? How could marriage possibly compare with the urgency of sharing the gospel?

I could not stay in the United States...!

Notably: when given the choice, my Mom had chosen to marry my Dad herself instead of pursue overseas missions. Well, I considered as I left my parents’ room following our conversation, I wouldn’t exist if my Mom had made a different choice. Maybe I wasn’t thinking about this clearly? Well, I reasoned, it doesn’t matter. I’m not in a relationship anyways.

***

I had assumed that if marriage and a calling to overseas missions ever seemed to conflict, overseas missions must always be the more faithful choice.

I thought:

How could marriage ever outweigh reaching those who had never heard the gospel?

I was treating one form of obedience as though it must always be spiritually superior to another.

Following God is not the same thing as always choosing the option that looks more sacrificial, more missionary, or more obviously ‘kingdom-minded.’

Missions did not get to be my one thing either. I needed to become more open to the possibility that marriage and faithfulness to God were not necessarily in competition—even when marriage seemed incompatible with the particular form of missions I had imagined.

So: I desired marriage deeply, but I had to be willing to surrender it to God.

But: I had to realize that surrendering marriage did not mean that missions automatically outranked it in every circumstance.

Neither marriage nor missions determines faithfulness. God does. Marriage is a unique way to love and serve God, just as overseas missions work is. Neither is inherently better than the other. Wisdom and God’s guidance must be discerned rather than assumed in advance when marriage and overseas missions seem to conflict. Marriage and family, as my Mom rightly taught me, was a good calling too. Again: thank God for her choice, or I would not exist!

May Your Kingdom come!

Amen.