7. One Thing: Relationships

My cousins and sisters would not leave me alone. I was stuck upstairs at the lake house because of my recent broken back. They made sure someone was by my side during our summer vacation, though I could not participate as well as usual. Of course, they made sure my back brace was appropriately decorated with elephant butts.

Later that week, our family sat together on the lake house porch for a time of worship and prayer. My uncle put his hand on my shoulder and started to pray for me. “Thank you, God for saving…” he choked up, overcome with emotion and the reality that I had almost died in the car accident.

My family sang a worship song together in gratitude to God for His goodness, just like we always did when we were together.

***

“You know what time of the week it is…” my aunt said to me, beach wind blowing in her face. “You’re so good at organizing games for your cousins.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m too old for this,” I reply, laughing.

My aunt pretends to not hear me. “Ok, everyone, get for ready for our annual beach games! Listen up to your oldest cousin.”

Half-amused, half-annoyed, I take up my role as the “game master” of the annual beach relay games.

“Okay, everyone,” I say, “Listen for your number as I count you off. Ones, here! Twos, here! First relay: Run from year to the water, fully immerse yourself, and then run back and tag the next person!”

There’s some groaning from my younger cousins (and sisters), but annual beach games are under “mandatory family fun”.

***

“Surprise!” I walk into my college apartment, mouth open. “Happy birthday!” I am surrounded by friends. Friends from my swim team, friends from other college groups… I am given a cake and a jar full of personal notes from all my friends who had attended my surprise birthday party. I had no idea…!

“Thank you so much! Wow…  you guys are the best!”

“We love you!”

I looked at my two friends who I knew had been the master minds behind the surprise.

“Thank you,” I mouthed to them across the room.

Heart full and encouraged, I got ready to blow the candles out… 

***

“You two are always laughing,” our friend tells us, pretending to be annoyed. “What is so FUNNY?”

We respond with laughter.

He shakes his head and walks away.

My friend and I just seemed to have an endless supply of jokes… which led to an endless supply of laughter.

At least we thought we were funny.

***

My Mom imitates my cry of sadness, smiling at me. “You’ll be fine.” My first real friend overseas was leaving. Our families had overlapped abroad for only six months, but I had connected with her more deeply than with any of my other friends there. Her family went to the same church we went to. I was so sad. I had connected with her more than any of my other friends abroad.

Their last Sunday at our church arrived. My friend’s family was leading the service. My friend’s Mom shared about how they had decided to go abroad as a family. They had all prayed about it and concluded that God was calling their family overseas. Even one of her sons, who was about my age, told his mom that he thought God was calling their family abroad, even though he really did not want to go. This was mainly because of missing friends, family, and sports, which were exactly the reasons I had not wanted to leave America myself.

I felt convicted. Maybe I should have the perspective of my friend’s brother and be more open to being abroad for a greater purpose, not complaining so much about missing home and everything that home means. I knew I could be self-focused instead of focusing on the reason we were living overseas: for my parents to serve people experiencing injustice. My loneliness and homesickness were real, but they did not have to become the center of my attention. There were people around me to love and serve. God, help me to do that! I prayed.

***

Laughter.

“Heart to hearts”.

Games.

Trips, in and out of the country.

Vacations.

Comfort.

Joy.

Encouragement.

Hours and hours of conversation.

Praying together.

Eating together.

Doing life together.

And in my family: lots of singing together.

Worshipping God together.

Serving together.

Dancing together.

Pranks.

Jokes.

Friends.

Parents.

Sisters.

Cousins.

Aunts and uncles.

Nephews.

Grandparents.

Relationships are among the best gifts that God gives. Without friends and family, life would be dull, indeed. But still, relationships, whether with family members or friends, can never become our “ultimate” thing – the thing that gives us our deepest identity, fulfilment, and joy. No one person can bear that weight that only God is meant to have.

I have often learned this the hard way. Certain relationships I have, almost because they are so good, I have treated as defining me and giving me my ultimate fulfillment and joy instead of God. When I do this in my heart, I find it very difficult to love these people truly. My relationship with them more easily falls into selfishness: what can this person do for ME? Instead of the godly perspective: what can I do to bless this other person, and hold this relationship open handedly? I have learned that the healthiest relationships are ones in which I do not ask another person to provide what only God can give me. Then I am freer to receive them as a gift rather than grasping at them as a necessity. Instead, they are a gift and a blessing I can enjoy and just focus on how I can bless and love them. Proverbs 11:25 captures this beautifully: when we bless others, we ourselves are refreshed. I think that is certainly true.

 I am not saying we do not need people generally. Of course we do. We are not meant to be an island. What I am saying is more subtle: we do not need people to fill God’s role as the One who ultimate defines us and fulfills us. No one person – or group of people – is meant to fill that role. A proper ordering: God first, results in a freedom to deeply love others without asking them to be God in any way.  Again, it is difficult to love someone when you are looking to them to fulfill you or define you.

Further, even in painful or hard relationships, where perhaps you are close to someone and things change, putting God first helps tremendously. I can be disappointed when relationships change without being devastated. I can grieve good relationships that have turned difficult while still being able to genuinely love the other person without resentment. I can trust God that He is my portion (Psalm 73) and the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16).  I can be content whatever my circumstances, whether I am in a season surrounded by friends and family or a more lonely season (Philippians 4). My joy and contentment is rooted in God, not other people and how they respond to me.

People are treasures, but they cannot be my God. Relationships are among God’s greatest gifts, but no person can bear the weight of being my “one thing”.

Relationships are very important. But our “loves” should be ordered, with God first. This makes us capable of loving people for who they are rather than for what we need them to provide.

May Your Kingdom come, God!

Amen.